so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
