You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
