I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
