I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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