He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
