You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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