I feel like abortions should bother me more
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
