The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
