What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
