I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
