yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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