Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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