I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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