I can tuck mytits in my pants
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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