so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
