I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
