new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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