Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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