Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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