I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
