nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
