you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
