Just fell off a train. Bad.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
