i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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