i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
