I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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