Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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