there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize