Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
