i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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