My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
