Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
