K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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