All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
