he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
