He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize