Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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