Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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