I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
we should paint friendship bongs
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
