I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
