Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
