you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize