those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
