drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Ladies don't puke and tell
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
