So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize