It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
