How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
