Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
