I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize