I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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