I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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