At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize