Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
