Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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