We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
