I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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