Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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