Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
