We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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