I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
