it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
