sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
