all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
